For forever. I've talked and thought about having an anonymous blog for ages. There is something satisfying in the idea of someone, anyone, seeing your thoughts, your feelings. Granted, right now I have a small buzz going, but that is fine, because I will confirm all these thoughts anytime but maybe in a more elaborate manner. Either way... here is where I am regarding this last week, that has arguably been one of the most testing of my life. Missing my best friend who broke up with me. Missing the boy I was falling in love with. I do see him in a week but we just discussed how we were going to hang out for a week and then call it quits. I told him "maybe it's run its course..." and he said he hated that but really... I think that may be what it is.. So we are going to hang and act like nothing is wrong and then stop talking forever? I think it may be forever? I'm just terrified of being alone. Terrified. You don't understand my past; everyone leaves me. Everyone. I've always been on my own. Now everything is just crumbling really rapidly to remind me that. This boy and I... we have talked about living together... getting married.. raising kids together.. I just can't believe I've put all this effort into something that is no more. I just don't understand. I am spiritual.. what is God trying to do? Like I get it dude, I'm going to be disappointed and I'm going to disappoint.. I just don't know how to deal with that. Always alone? Is that what I have to look forward to? I told this boy I would have to 'fake it'. Again, he hated the term. But seriously, thats what it is. I'll fake it (which I've become exceptionally good at) when he is home, and then when he leaves, I'll fake it again. I am a rug sweeper. I can do it. Die on the inside while everyone thinks I'm the happiest person there ever was. I've done it this long, what with missing my mom every single day that I live and being fine. No one knows. I like that. I let few people in, but when I do, I want them to be there forever, so when they peace out, I really begin to think I may have something wrong with me. How does a best friend of years just leave? Literally sit there and say she doesn't think the relationship is worth it. Are you fucking kidding me? My best fucking friend doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore? Good luck being fake and finding new friends. I love you more than you love me. You know why? Cause you were always there, no matter what I did, how I treated you, and I just don't understand how all of a sudden, with the friendship we had, you are fine calling it quits and not even working on it. I just want someone to cry to. I want my mom. I would give anything. anything. for my mom.
So much for being anonymous with my email all in your face. I'll have to work on making that more incogneet.
I'm going to bed for now I do think.
In the end, I just want someone to miss me if/when I disappear. I'm not sure that would happen. And I hate that. How have I not made an impact on anyone? At least not a big enough one for me to be a lasting part of their life. How do relationships get to the point where they are no longer worth it? Deep relationships. Two this week. I've lost two fucking relationships this mother's day week. Really? I'm so tapped out.
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